© 2011 David's Harp and Pen
Mood: Hopefully Romantic
DISCLAIMERS: This blog is based, in part, upon actual events and people. Certain actions and characters have been dramatized and fictionalized, but are inspired by true events and real people. Certain other characters, events, and names used herein are entirely fictitious. Any similarity of those fictional characters or events to the name, attributes, or background of any real person, living or dead, or to any actual events is coincidental and unintentional. Just please don’t tell my landlord this may be a work of fiction. He told me the Landlady and he want to turn my apartment into a rec room for Landbaby when he turns 16 in 13 years, so I must get married by then, or my landlord will shoot me. Tennesseans subscribe to a very distinct brand of tough love.
I read your letter. Then read it again. Then a third time. Then I put it under my pillow so I could absorb it by osmosis while I slept. (Just kidding. You and I both know I don’t sleep…much).
In all seriousness, there is something I have to tell you. I know we’ve gone a year apart, and we’ve been obedient to what God told us, but I must do something before I can see you again. I will be gone for a few weeks, and then, I promise, I will come back to you.
There is something in my life I have not surrendered to God. I have made excuses, tried to rationalize it, but I have learned the hard way that when it comes to following God, He does not allow for backup plans or escape routes. As you have said to me so many times before, obedience must be full and immediate to even deserve the word.
I have not been obedient in this regard. I have wanted to go to the Promised Land while still keeping a foot in Egypt, just in case. At its core, it is a fundamental fear and distrust in His goodness, in His heart towards me, that I must have contingencies in place should His love for me waiver, His will for my life be thwarted, or His arm somehow get shortened.
Fear is an effective, yet death-dealing long-term motivator. I am sorry to report that I have let fear, in its various modes and manifestations, be more of a guiding force in my life than God Who, by His Perfect Love, one of the ways in which He defines Himself, has promised to cast out all fear.
Over the summer, as I tried very hard to process all that had passed between us, I began to see a new counselor. I shared with her many of my insecurities about being a godly woman. She asked me a very pointed question: what did I think the Bible said being a godly woman looked like? What popped into my head was not what I had expected. I told her, “Being at rest.” I recalled much of what the writer of Proverbs 31 and the Apostle Peter said about godly wives. She smiles at the future. Her heart rests in her husband. She is a true daughter of Sarah if she does what is right and doesn’t give way to fear.
I have not known how to rest. I have not been able to quiet my mind. The Word says I am to take my thoughts captive, but instead, I have let my thoughts take me captive. I have suffered the “paralysis of analysis,” which stems directly from fear.
Several weeks ago, I went through one of the worst bouts of insomnia I can remember. I went 72 hours without being able to sleep. As I asked God what was happening, and why none of the things I was doing to be able to sleep worked, it dawned on me that the sleeplessness in my body was a reflection of the restlessness in my spirit.
I have to make the steps necessary to see these fears broken. If my heart cannot rest in God, it cannot rest in you, either. My ancestors were never able to enter the rest of the Promised Land because, in their hearts and minds, their fears had them still bound in Egypt. The agony and exhaustion of staying enslaved has finally overcome the fear of the unknown. What I know now, though, is that it only unknown to me, not to God. And I know that God’s plans for me, whatever they may be, are always for my good and for His glory, so I needn’t worry about the particulars of how it’ll come to pass. I want to love and serve you from a heart full of faith and trust in the Husband of Whom you are a reflection.
Pray for me, as I get myself ready. God has promised me rest. God has proclaimed that Canaan is mine. However, I must still cross the Jordan. I must still make the effort to posses the land. His calling is so worth the obstacles I must overcome. You are so worth it.